Talking vs. Texting

It’s no secret that new technology has caused the rules of dating to change. From Facebook stalking to texting, we’re a long way from “courting.” Although it’s not one of my favorite movies, there’s one scene I love in “He’s Just Not That Into You” where Drew Barrymore’s character wonderfully illustrates the change in dating as she bemoans the use of Myspace, Facebook, voicemail, email and all the other new modes of communication.

In theory, a guy definitely scores major points for calling, rather than texting. But, here’s the thing - I LIKE texting. Especially when it’s someone I don’t know very well. Since I’ve moved to Chicago and no longer spend an hour a day commuting, I talk on the phone a lot less – to my BEST friends. Why would I want to spend what little time I have making awkward conversation with someone I may not have even met yet (at least not sober)?

In my mind, texting is like those little candy hearts people give on Valentine’s Day – but all year long. It’s a quick hit to let someone know you’re thinking about them – which will put a smile on my face for the rest of the day – without having to find 30 minutes to chat about the weather. Don’t misunderstand me – texting should NOT replace the phone, but I think it’s a nice, flirtation complement to more traditional modes of communication.

This topic came up thanks to one of the two dates I mentioned in my last post. We connected through Match.com right before Christmas, and due to holiday schedules made plans to get together once things had died down. After exchanging a couple of emails, the guy suggested I give him a call. WHAT?! How forward!

First of all, I’d made the initial contact, so if anyone was going to make calls, it should have been him as I’d already stepped up to the plate. Secondly, talking to a stranger I hadn’t even met while at my parents’ house? Ugh. Thirdly, weren’t we both busy enough with family obligations that week?????

And finally, and most importantly, why would I want to invest the time in phone conversations when I knew there was a very good chance I’d meet the guy in person and realize immediately that I’d be counting down the minutes until I could gracefully end the date – never to speak to him again?

Pessimistic, yes, but also realistic. It’s not that I didn’t hope that I’d want to hang out many, many times after I met the guy, but based on my track record with Match.com dates, I knew this was unlikely – at least, enough so that I no longer want to put too much effort into things before the first date.

In any case, I did NOT take him up on his invitation to call, and the week after the holidays found us setting up a time to get together. At this point we did exchange a couple of texts about meeting details, but sadly, nothing flirtatious happening there – just straight coordination.

The day of our date finally arrived, and I actually went to the trouble of putting on not only my usual make-up, but even eyeliner! At this point we’d been talking via email for about three weeks, and to be honest, most of the excitement for me was gone. I’m all about the momentum in new relationships, and felt like it was long gone, but I was ready to start 2012 off with a bang and was certainly happy to be meeting someone new.

Except he canceled! Three hours before the date! He begged off claiming he was stuck at work, which didn’t bother me at all, as I’m guilty of that far more than I should be. BUT, he said he’d call that weekend to arrange another time – again with the phone call! Apparently, I wasn’t going to be able to meet the guy without talking to him on the phone first.

Turns out my anxiety over making small talk was all for naught – because he NEVER called. All that effort in emails and making plans…all wasted. Good thing I didn’t make a point of finding the time for a few awkward phone calls!

Dear Charlie

Dear Charlie,

Remember when I said I like you? The sentiment is still floating free out there and without a response, I'm left to wonder. Is it possible you didn't actually understand the drunk text I sent with this message? Or the several sober follow-up texts later?

Or maybe you didn't get the phone call, voicemail and text I sent after I missed the one call you made to "talk about things."

Admittedly, I wasn't able to make it all the way through, "He's Just Not That Into You," but I grasped the general idea. It would be logical to conclude your avoidance of the topic is the equivalent of saying, "Thanks, but no thanks."

Except, you didn't say it, which leaves all of your actions open to interpretation.

For example, what did you mean by asking if I was going to spend the night after the Steelers game on Sunday? We both know I'd rather crash at your place than walk into your parking lot after dark, but if you're not interested in being more than friends, why suggest such an activity?

And were you just being funny during our conversation about heart disease versus breast cancer when you said you could help with a breast exam but I was on my own with the cholesterol stuff? Or was that you're way of testing the waters to see where I was at more than three weeks after I made my shocking announcement of positive feelings for you?

I can't help but remember the last time we danced around the idea of dating, and it came out after the fact that you're not very good at telling someone you like them. Are you afraid you missed the window and you're not sure how to bring it up?

You're sending mixed signals and I'm having trouble reading them. Is this just harmless flirting or are you trying to say something more?

Or is this just another case of me overanalyzing? Like when I spent days trying to figure out the underlying meaning of a simple text. And the times when I call everyone I know to dissect a situation, taking all opinions into account before deciding what actually happened. But I digress (And yes, I used a big word. I like them.)

If you can clear any of this up for me, I'd appreciate it. And, as I said before, no big deal if you're not interested. I still need a golf buddy - and at least with you, I know I'll always win!

Sincerely,

Andi

Friends...or More?

I moved to the DC area three years ago not really knowing anyone. Sure, there was the odd acquaintance who was a friend of a friend or my mother's cousin type of thing, but for the most part, I was on my own.

Until I met my friend Charlie*.

We ran into each other for the first time at Clarendon Ballroom while I was waiting in line at the bar. He was with a bunch of guys, and as I stood behind them, he introduced himself by offering to buy me a drink - if I'd give his friend a birthday kiss! I laughed, but his smile was so adorable and the pick-up line so original, I ended up talking to him for the rest of the night.

At first, we flirted with dating, but it just didn't seem right. Instead, we started hanging out occasionally - platonically. Over the next several months, I started to think of him as one of my best friends in DC. Everything was just so comfortable - we'd watch movies, make dinner and spend most weekends on the golf course. If I was over late, it was easier to just crash at his house than go home to mine. He was my Dawson - with some casual benefits thrown in on the side if neither of us was seeing anyone else (so maybe it wasn't entirely platonic)!

About a year ago, we started circling around the idea of dating again, but neither of us was willing to say we were interested in the other. And then, one day, Charlie suddenly had a girlfriend and dumped me as a friend.

"I thought it would be awkward for you," he said. For me? Why? We'd always been buddies more than anything else - it didn't bother me that he was dating someone other than me, but I was incredibly hurt that he didn't want to spend time together anymore.

We crossed paths a few months later at Sign of the Whale during Nightmare on M Street. He was dressed as a cow (I was Jem from Jem and the Holograms), single again, incredibly drunk and out of nowhere asked me why we were never a couple. "We would have been perfect together!" he said.

WHAT?! Where did that come from?

I was seeing someone else at the time, so nothing came of it then. And it took me several more months to get over all the anger I felt about the way he severed our friendship. But then, a few weeks ago we were hanging out late one night and suddenly I felt differently. Not only was I having fun, but I wanted to jump the guy! (Something of a 180 for me - I've always thought Charlie was really cute, but the spine-tingling feeling was always been missing before.)

Over the next three weeks, I tried to tell Charlie that I liked him. There were going to be no missed signals this time around! But something always came up and the timing just didn't seem right.

Then this weekend, as Lauren and I made mac and cheese after a night at Clarendon Grill, we collectively (and intoxicatedly) decided it was a GREAT idea for her to repeatedly call the guy she's seeing and for me to text Charlie my epiphany.

"On the off chance u haven't figured it out yet, i have a crush on u...just wanted to lay it on the table:)," I punched into my phone and hit send, before I could change my mind.

No response that night.

When the return text did come the next day, there was no reference to the baring of my soul (Ok, that's a little dramatic. I was actually somewhat indifferent at this point, but firmly believe in putting everything on the line so that I walk out of every situation knowing it's not my fault it didn't work).

So I texted again. A very, very long text. Which, of course, then encountered technically difficulties in getting through, so I had to split it into three separate messages and send all of those. His reaction? "I'm at work. I'll call you later."

That was Sunday. I'm thinking he's probably not interested, but the worst part is, who am I going to play golf with now? At least with Charlie, I could always be assured of winning and never had to worry about a bad shot because it was almost guaranteed his ball would be further in the woods than mine!

*Name changed in the event Charlie finds out about this blog - although, he should recognize his role in this tale!