Levels of Crustacean Love

Those 20-somethings who used to spend at least a portion of Thursday night glued to NBC for “Friends” may remember an episode in which Phoebe compares Ross and Rachel’s relationship to lobsters.

“Hang in there, it's gonna happen,” Phoebe says to Ross. “She’s your lobster.”

To the gang’s incredulity, Phoebe goes onto explain further with, “C'mon you guys,” she says. “It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what, you can actually see old lobster couples walkin' around their tank, ya know, holding claws like...”

My roommates and I recently took Phoebe’s philosophy one step further – we’ve decided that all guys fall somewhere on the “Levels of Crustacean Love.”

As we sat at O’Sullivans one night checking out the possibilities (we just recently realized this bar tends to be more guys than girls, putting the odds in our favor!), we were laughing over someone’s date gone wrong. I don’t remember which boy we were discussing or why he just wasn’t cutting it, but one of the girls declared, “That’s not your lobster! He’s a shrimp!”

So true – both in height and general relationship potential! As we cracked up laughing, we searched for other types of crustaceans that might be a better fit - “He’s a crayfish!” and “No, he’s algae!” were some of the better ones.

With the help of Wikipedia the next day (it turns out, algae are NOT crustaceans) we put together the following chart and qualifications, from bottom to top, to categorize future dates’ potential:

• Barnacle (not worth a second meeting)
• Shrimp (doesn’t totally disgust you)
• King Crab (fun to hang with, but no real connection)
• Crayfish (you like him, but you’re not sure yet if he’s the real deal)
• Lobster (aka soul mate)

The “Levels of Crustacean Love” are now posted on our fridge, and as we date, we’re keeping track of which group a guy is in. Movement between categories, up or down, is allowed in conjunction with group discussion about the reasons for the climb or fall.